I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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