all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
