can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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