yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
