if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
