I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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