he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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