I faked an abortion last night.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
