Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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