obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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