So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
two words...techno handjob
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
