I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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