i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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