I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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