Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
