i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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