Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize