My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
