i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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