my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
