dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
