If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
