Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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