Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
