My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
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