yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
