They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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