now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
i out mim tonsoeep
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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