When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
