I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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