A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
His nipple licking is glorious
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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