I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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