When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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