sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
