Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please come you make the beer taste better
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
