Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
