i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
