Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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