How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
