You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
