Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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