im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
