somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
