we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
