Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
