I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
