I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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