she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Still dying that you shit outside
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
