you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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