quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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