After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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