You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
