I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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