I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
