I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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