Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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