The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
