just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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