I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize