I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
