my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
