i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
