Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so that wasnt chicken after all
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize