Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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