I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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