If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
