Welp...herpes.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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