Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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