I'm eating all of the evidence.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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