what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
