There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You left your phone here
Wait...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
